My wrist looks like it got into a fight with a cat
Cuts and bites everywhere
Baby the things you do to me!
Eat too much, eat too little,
Sleep too much, not enough sleep.
No friends.
Barely any outings.
I’m NOT okay, why won’t you see that?
I want you, no, I need you to show me that I won’t always feel as bad as this.
I need you to help me step away from the edge.
I saw your ghost tonight
The moment felt so real
If your eyes stay right on mine
My wounds would start to heal
I felt your ghost tonight
And god it felt like hell
To know you’re almost mine
But dreams are all I feel
Yeah I
I saw your ghost tonight
It fucking hurt like hell
I felt you here tonight
But dreams can’t all be real
——
Today I decided to take my friends car for a spin. He had this song on, turned it up all the way and realized I was flying down the streets at 60, till I barely dodged a car.
Anyways.
What was i gonna say?
The noise, yes.
I think I looked like a freak today at the Bookmans comic con.
My brain wouldn’t shut up, it just kept going on and on till i finally told it to shut up. Out loud, loudly. Yep. The psycho chick, that’s me.
I have no life.
I tried to have a life.
But I think my subconscious denies me the right.
I don’t think it matters.
Everyone is like,
You’re gonna be a vet? That’s so cool!
You’re probably gonna be a best selling author!
You’re writing for a magazine!? You must be good!
Wow you’re getting good at guitar!
And I’m like,
:)
But really I’m like,
No, no, no and no. I’ll be dead in less than a year :)
I won’t feel these slices and cuts
After a while of hearing;
you’re stupid;
No one cares what you think!;
You’re just not dateable;
Stop being so annoying
You kind of just accept that nobody cares enough to do anything.
Well enough of depressing posts.
Here’s my most cheery thought;
I’m so glad I’m going to die soon.
And you’re never coming back home again
Ah so I’m on an oxymetazoline buzz right now. I’m awfully tired, but it just won’t let me sleep. Time to write, look up shit, listen to music. Slit my wrists haha. My cuts are scaring kinda redish, might be that the scar is only superficial. Oh well, I don’t wanna wait till it heals. Ah my brain is like :DDD and my heart is like :’((((( but yup.
The only admission of vanity
I have cried for these past 2 hours.
I got up to go pee, even teenage psychos need to pee.
I looked in the mirror.
No make-up.
My bangs all over the place.
No smile.
Messy, curly hair.
Red face, red eyes.
Tears still brimming.
But I noticed that my usual shit brown eyes looked brown and green.
& then I took a good look.
I have never looked so sad, or broken.
Or beautiful. It’s ridiculous that the only time I have found myself truly beautiful (not hot, or sexy) is when I’m at my worst. This is what I want to look like when I die. Raw. Unmasked.
Tonight is just one of those nights. Looks like I’m crying for no reason. But really there’s hundreds of reasons. At least five years worth of reasons. Whatever. I’m sick of listening to myself, I’m fucking annoying as hell. It’s starting to piss me off. Whine, whine, whine is all my mind does. Fuck you, Fernanda, go to Hell already. Yeah, I talk to myself all the time. It gets to the point to where I argue with myself.
This 1 year plan is going by so slow.
But I’m happy to report that I have for the most part isolated myself emotionally from most people at school. I hate goodbyes. & there’s really no chance I’ll be dating anyone by April 2nd so there’s one less lose end to worry about. But hey, maybe something so good happens that it’ll fix me and next year I’ll think, Gosh I was stupid to think I’d be dead today.
